Leaving for Portugal

It’s 4 o’clock in the morning and i’m ready to leave for Portugal, my flight was delayed I was suppose to leave last night at 9:45. What I’m I felling right now, excited, nervous, and all these other emotions are going through me right now. It’s finally here my vacation that I have been waiting for, for what seems like forever. Once I’m on the plane I know that my fear of flying will be at its max, I’m ready to face this fear head on and get passed it. I’ve been told that it’s the safest way to travel so ready what am I afraid of? 

I get to see where my mom grew up and the culture first hand so if that means I have to face a fear of mine I’m going to do it, because it will be totally worth it. I’m ready to leave Ontario not forever but for a little bit. The last time I was on a plane I was 2 years old, do I remember it… Nope. Just what I was told. While I am there I will post a blog each day talking about something new I did. This is going to be a great experience. 

I need this trip with everything I have been going through with my mental health this trip will be what I need to find my way back to my ‘normal’ self. Prepare me for what is to come in the upcoming months leading to school and what the world has in store for me. So wish me luck will be facing a lot of fears, like meeting my aunt for the first time, someone I only know from what people tell me. Meeting my cousin for the first time when he came to Canada I wasn’t even born yet. My anxiety is at a new high, but my excitement makes me not think of it. Everyone that knows that I am leaving tells me that this is what I need to find myself, they say to enjoy myself and relax and that it will be good for me and that I deserve it. 

I have been reading up on cognitive behavioural therapy and working three some of the exercises to get me threw this experience. On that note I will see you on the other side.  

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Waving the white flag 

 I’m only human and as a human I am bound
make mistakes but does that mean that I have o pay for them forever? When is it ok to be forgiven? Will it ever happen? I know that somethings are unforgivable. I experience that when I was hung wth my father and wha he did, that is something that I will ever forgive him for even ho he is dead I can’t forgive him. I mean why should I right. Does it mean that when I make a mistake that I shouldn’t be forgiven? Who decides things like this?  
I find myself lost, why is that? Well easy everything good in my life has come t an end and everything is turning out pretty crappy. I have lost. I give up! I can’t be prefect and its ripping me apart. How do I fix it, because I have no idea and I am tired of people telling me it will get better because they don’t know what it is I am going threw and how do they know it will get better. All it seems to be doing is getting worse.  

And to that I say, I’m done I wave the white flag, I surrender.  

There is on;y so much fight a person has in them and I have reached my limit. With everything going on with my mental health I thought the pills would help and make me feel happy, and of course they don’t. They stopped the voices I hear which is great but everything else in my life is falling apart still, I’m afraid I won’t be able to catch all the pieces. I hold everything and everyone in my life close to my heart so maybe that’s the problem. I care to much and so therefore I set myself up for heart ache and disappointment. 

It’s been a month

On Saturday it will be one month since I have been on these meds and I don’t feel much different. At first I thought they were, the voices stopped I was feeling better, sleeping better. All those things are still true except the fact that I don’t feel happy. It’s like these pills aren’t allowing me to feel anything.. When I go back to the doctor I know to tell him this but then what another pill to try?

Why can’t I wake up tomorrow and be me again. That is all I want, to be myself again the person people like being around and enjoy spending time with. Many of my friends I stopped talking to why? Because they wouldn’t understand what it is I am going threw as everything comes easy to them. They would judge me and that isn’t something I need in my life right now. I keep certain people in “circle” ones that I know are there for me and that don’t judge and may not understand what I am going threw but are willing to try and understand it. Those are the ones that I want in my life now and forever. They don’t use me for what I have and ditch me when I have nothing. They are there threw thick and thin and haven’t left even tho I have even them many opportunities to. Those are true friends that I can say are close to me as if they were family.

Untitled 

Today I have been struggling, with a lot of different stuff. First I had a dream last night and I remember the whole thing word for word but I don’t know what it means. Maybe I’m trying to fool myself into thinking I am ok with everything happening in my life (social life, relationships etc) If I really think about it, that would make sense maybe I am not ok with any of it. Then it leaves the question of why am I trying to convince myself I am? 

In order to figure this out I have to start from the beginning… October 2012 at the moment in time I was probably the happiest I have ever been, I met someone I knew I wanted to spend forever with. It was thanksgiving weekend and we met, we played miniature golf and then walked and talked along the lake got caught in the rain, it was the greatest day. That night we kept talking via text and Skype and it was relaxing. I decided that night that I had to tell my parents, the truth no more lying, no more secrets just the truth. Sunday after thanksgiving dinner when everyone went home I told my mom and Charlie I needed to talk to them, I had something to say and that it couldn’t wait.. We sat in the living room and I froze for a minute, I was scared I was nervous, but somehow developed the courage to say the words “mom, Charlie I am a Lesbian” and went on explaining that I have known for years that I was not attracted to guys and that people were starting to figure it out and I wanted them to hear it from me. 

This date I went on the day before was with a girl, she was amazing, I had fun, she had this amazing smile and her laugh was so cute. 
There is more to this post but can’t write about it at the moment.. When I’m ready to talk about it I post to whole story. 

🙂 

In case you didn’t know..

This post will not be long but just want to express that I am writing these because it helps me come to terms with what it is I am going threw and have been threw. These are my experiences and I am writing because it’s relaxing and clams me down. Some people understand that and that’s great a some may not. And to those that don’t I tell you this.. No one is focusing you to read these and no one asked you to, you did so at your own free well. So please if there is any negative comments you feel you should express I can’t stop you from doing so but know that I will not take time out of my day and waste time writing you back and feeding that anger any more then it needs.

There is enough negative actions around the world and around me and it’s something I am trying to avoid and not have in my life anymore. So acknowledging it is something I will not do. And I will keep posting about my experience as it is helping me cope with everything I am going threw. 
Thank you 

Day 3

This is my third day on this antipsychotic medication, I noticed that the first night it made me sleepy but also made me hungry.. I was able to sleep but I was also restless. I felt like a zombie the next day for the whole day, to be honest I didn’t like that feeling much. I understand that it is something that will get better over time if I keep taking them. I have a really good memory for everything except taking my medication, so I put an alarm on my phone for my morning pills and nighttime pills. It seems to be working and I am taking them everyday at the same time. 

It is still hard to believe that it as come to this, that I need medication to function and get outside and socialize. I created this bubble (my house but more so my room) that I confine myself in when I don’t want to “people” when I just want to be alone. It’s not healthy and I understand that but isn’t it ok to want some “me” time? I always hear of people getting time to themselves to think and relax. I am told that I have to much “me” time and I shut the world out. 

The voices aren’t there since I started the medication so that’s great right? But what does this mean? These meds are for one of two things bipolar or schizophrenia, so now I am thinking if the voices stopped that means I’m schizophrenic. It runs in the family on my mom’s side, my father’s side of the family I don’t know I think it does but can’t be sure. *It is good to know family history* I’m trying to find out more about the health issues from my father’s side. 

Even though knowing is scary I come to the conclusion that it is better to know whether I am bipolar or schizophrenic. This way I can be treated for it and work on getting better, cause at the end of the day that’s all I want.  

The Next Step 

Yesterday June 1st I went to see a psychiatrist and this was the first time never going to see one. I was nervous and scared because I had no idea what to expect, what this doctor would be like etc. I had thoughts of cancelling or not even showing up, but I pushed threw all the fear and anxiety and went. 

I think the worse part of it all was waiting in the waiting room for my name to be called. After a half hour (but to me seemed like hours) my name was called. I thought to myself “Alright I can do this, made it this far. Things can’t get any worse then they are. It’s only getting better from here” I walked into the room, it was every plain and impersonal. I was asked a series of questions and I was honest with all my answers. When the doctor asked me to explain the voices that I hear I paused. This was when I got scared, because in my mind depending on what I told him could have me locked up in a padded cell (yes I know that is a bit extreme however that is how my mind works). 

The voices, there are two of them they are constantly negative. I hear them as if they are people beside me and are talking, they are not in my head. They are loud and very annoying, I do everything it takes to shut them out and avoid them. However sometimes it is hard, and when I keep hearing the same times over and over I begin to think it is true and that I should stop fighting it and accept it for what it is. I mean people always say the truth hurts, was is the case? A few weeks ago I caved to the voices, they have taken over everything, my feelings, my thoughts, it seems like I have no control of my own life. I am constantly in pain emotionally and I wanted control of something, anything in my life. So I resorted to cutting, I felt something for the first time in a while. I had control on something I did for the first time in a while. I should feel satisfied, but I wasn’t in fact I was far from it. 

Now there are these scars on my arm that remind me that I was weak, but that I felt something and that it didn’t make it better. I felt no different then I did before doing it. So I am left with the question. Was it worth it?

Seeing the psychiatrist and talking with him made me realize that this is my next step to getting better, getting back to myself. I felt hopefully and it was a great feeling.

Today I woke up and told myself hang in there, things will start to turn around. 


🙂

Old Shoe 

Have you heard that saying about the old shoe and that it’s good until something better comes along? I don’t remember the actual saying but that was the idea of it. That saying goes through my head and is a constant thought in my mind everyday. I feel like I am that old shoe, that I am only around until people find someone better, then I only exist when it’s convenient. 

I am 27 years old and I can honestly say that I don’t have many friends. I could probably count the amount of friends I have on 1 hand. That’s actual people that are my true friends. Well so I thought anyways, it’s been realized lately that I am a “filler” I hang out and do stuff with people because they aren’t with the ones they want to be with. Either because they are working or just busy, s0 to me it looks and feels like they are using me to kill time. This feeling sucks and because of everything else going on in my life especially in my head I could determine weather it’s true or not. 

Over the last few months I have been hearing voices (yea voices) they are so negative and tell me things that are mean and hurtful. Like for example that I am worthless and stupid and that sometimes it’s just not worth living, everyone in my life would be better off it I wasn’t here. I must say its hard to consistently hear it, the voices don’t go away they are there every minute of every day even when I try to go to sleep. 

With these voices everything seems harder to interpret, is what I am feeling real? Or is it the voices just messing with me? I hate having to question myself but seem to be doing it a lot lately. However I am getting the help that I need and know that one day these voices will be gone forever (at least I hope). 

I have no idea how to shake the feeling of being the old shoe, it is true??

Stuck in a child’s mind 

I never had a childhood and the first opportunity to be and act like my age didn’t happen until I was 10 years old. I was able to have friends and invite them over and ever had to worry about my father fighting with my mom in front on friends. My mom was dating Charlie and he made me feel safe and I could see that my mom was happy with him and of course that made me happy. It was like this dark, scary cloud was gone from our lives like we were able to breath easy and not have to walk on egg shells. It was a wondering feeling and I knew that I never wanted it to go away. 

Looking back to that time, I realized that I came stuck. Stuck in a mind set that was the little girl that I was growing up with my father around. That little girl that was scare was no longer scared and came out of hiding and never wanted to leave. Even as I got older, that little girl was still there, making my decisions and taking over. It was like she never got a chance to live and now that there was one she just wouldn’t let go. Be the youngest and the only girl in the family meant that people always saw me as the baby even in my twenties I was still referred to as “kid”. A part of me was frustrated that I would never been seen as an adult but another part of me was ok with that. I hated that part. 

It was and still is hard for me to let things go. I dwell on it and overthink everything and I hate that, if only there was a switch I could turn on and off. My mind was always going and thoughts were consistently coming and going to the point that I would get headaches and lose focus on whatever it was I was doing at the time. I never considered these thoughts to be different voices that I could hear. I never thought anything really of them. 

We moved from my childhood home after my father died and to other house in another town. It was like I was given a clean slate and no one had to know about my passed if I didn’t want them to. Starting a new school was scary and I was nervous but I was able to make new friends and was able to enjoy myself more at school as I was at home. Life was good!

My mom married Charlie years after my father and life seemed to get better. Every now and then I would caught myself expecting something to go wrong or someone to get angry and start yelling, it was like everything was just to good to be true. That little girl that seemed to hang around came out more and more and I was stuck in that child mind set and wasn’t able to get out of it. I started avoiding it and running from it, again I thought my days of running were over. I would start feeling upset or angry about something and that’s when I would focus on something else and pushing those feelings aside. I couldn’t deal with the sad and depressed person I was inside. I was stuck in that child like mind set with no freedom from it in site.